La Mystérieuse Mme Je : Goodbye Mr Handsome

Édition spéciale anglaise

I can’t stop listening to rap music; Eminem, Watsky… mainly them. Because they remind me of him. He showed me Watsky, sung him to/for me. It was touching. It’s heartbreaking. I know I shouldn’t torture myself with this, listen to something happier, less frustration… something that doesn’t remind me of him.

I have to remember he wanted this. I had to convince myself I wanted this because he wanted it and it would hurt less. OF COURSE I DON’T WANT THIS!!! My heart is in pieces and it’s been so hard lately… I needed someone to share my life with, I wanted to find someone special and I had to fall for someone as broken as I. Just had to.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m losing it. I feel like my two extremely happy days have been two short and sweet days that I will not see again for a while. I don’t want to talk to anyone because everyone is hurting, everyone has their own problems and are tired of hearing about him. I know, trivial, but for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder who is a Highly Sensitive Person… it’s like the end of the world. My heart is literally hurting. And I don’t use the word literally trivially. Can’t feel my right arm because I get so tense my nerves block, which makes this even harder, makes my tears even more real.

I had to say goodbye. I had to leave with my car. I have to never, ever go back there again and I am oh so fragile so I ask myself endlessly: Why me? Why do I have to have all these mental illnesses that keep me from having a healthy relationship with a wonderful man who can’t see how amazing he is? He probably thinks the same about me, but still. I am always ready to work on things. I hang on. I’m clingy. I know I always say I don’t like clingy… but I am SUPER clingy. Respectful (usually), but clingy.

This is such a bad moment. I have been internally breathless for the past two hours and I’m afraid I will suffocate myself and that the numbness in my arm will spread throughout my whole body and my soul. If I let myself feel numb, I let myself be selfish. Maybe I should have stayed in. It sucked there, I felt secluded, but it was safe. I felt safe for the past 3 days… but today? I know I will reach out before. Doesn’t mean I feel safe.

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that’s alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie…”

Shit. Why this song. WHY?! It’s OUR song. Love The Way You Lie by Eminem and Rihanna. OUR SONG. It represent…ed our relationship perfectly. Perfectly. Not healthy, I know. But things were getting better! They were ACTUALLY getting better! And I liked it. Then he found a hair in his pants… that didn’t seem like mine. He later hurt me in my womahood and I went all out on him. I accused him of cheating. He accused me of cheating. Again. Called me a liar, again, which is the worse insult (that and cheater) someone can call me. I hate lying. I can’t lie. I suck at it. I make faces and I turn red

“But when it’s good, it’s going great!

I’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane

But when it’s bad, it’s awful, I feel so ashamed

I snapped, ‘Who’s that dude? I don’t even know his name.’”

So true. Everything in that song is true. About us. But the hurt was never physical. Always psychological. I said too much. He assumed. I have a bad temper. He jumps to conclusions. And we hurt. We hurt so much our love wasn’t enough anymore. I mean, I made him say it after three weeks. He said it usually took him months to say it. I must have been special… must HAVE BEEN special… These words hurt and they are mine. I have my play in this. I said goodbye, he just wanted time. I couldn’t –can’t- give him that. I would linger and linger and harass him with my emotions. And it wouldn’t be fair. And he was being fair with me. Why would I be so selfish and put my wellbeing in front of his? I mean, I kind of did in a way by saying goodbye, but I wasn’t going to be clingy.

Oh my. It hurts. But I have to let go. So I’ll cry all day if I have to, I’ll do my laundry to change my mind, maybe watch Pitch Perfect or anything I adore to change my mind because we are done. We mutually agreed even though our hearts weren’t in it. Mine truly wasn’t and I wish I could take it back, but I won’t. I won’t until he asks me to. And if it’s too late… then it will be too late and the hurt will be easier to live with. I hope this day will come soon because it. Truly. Hurts.

This is for you Mr. Handsome. This is how I feel. I hope you never see this. I really do. Farewell…