La Mystérieuse Madame Je : Pain.

I'm hot. Really hot. Never felt this... This pain as if something was clawing it's way through my bowels, just ripping everything away, trying to gasp for air as am I now. How weak I feel... How sick I feel... How horrible. It hurts, it hurts so much... I can't believe I made it home to my cold apartment alone and cold even though I'm burning hot. Feverish. I'm afraid to pass out, my body is trembling so much I can hear my joints cracking under the sheer pressure of the rapid movements. And I am weak, so weak... Confused. I wondered all the way home how I was going to make it and was also wondering how I was managing to drive, just drive. My hands were barely able to hold on to the steering wheel, my foot barely able to press the clutch right. And the pain is just growing like a roar increasing in sound. I'm sure my stomach acid is just leaking from a horrible tear onto my internal organs, killing me slowly and oh so painfully.. It hurts, oh God it hurts ! I feel like I'm dying so I won't let myself pass out. But I'm so drowsy and weak. Only staying awake because of the sheer iron will I'm forcing onto myself because I'm afraid... It hurts so much I'm afraid if I pass out I'm going to die. The pain is excruciating like anything I've ever felt before, just gashing at my insides and making me hurl along the way to this cold, dark place I usually call home. Right now, home would be the welcoming arms of Monsieur Pretty Boy, holding me near his heart while I sweat my fever away, try to make the pain go away through every pores of my body.  It hurts so much I can't even cry because the muscles would have to contract and it's just making it worse. I just can't take it anymore... I want to be selfish and drive myself to my own kick death to make it stop, please make it stop ! The trembling, the vomiting and the dreadful flesh eating pain. In the cold air of this enclosed space I can almost see the heat coming out of my body, this twisted body to match the mind covered in cold sick sweat even though it has reached critical level. I am confused, can't think right and what is worse than suffering and not being able to think our way through ? Nothing is worse than this pain. It's making my dying mind crumble to nothing, cursing the All Mighty One for giving me my wishes to take away the pain somewhere and give it to me. Make me blind, make me sick. Give the whole fucking world for me to carry on my little shoulders. Make this little broken doll carry the burden of the pain of others like she wished for in her suicidal days. Make her wish she could die even though she can't even kill herself out of pure love for others. Make her sick to her stomach and not even able to liberate a tiny bit of the pain with tears. Not even tears of blood. Give her pain without taking her consciousness. Three times now I have found bile gushing out of my body and to kill those three painful spasms, lets take three pills. More than prescribe but who gives a fuck anyway. I'm here, alone in the dark, cursing God for the pain. Might as well dull the pain and fuck everything up. Fuck the world. Fuck you.  I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... It just... hurts so much ! I can't take it anymore, I can't take it anymore... Why can't I just find Monsieur Coco somewhere and cuddle vWhy can't I have some warmth to dwell away in a better place ? Because I'm cursed ? Because the world doesn't like me like those people who call me friends when I'm there and backstab me when I'm not even invited to their fucking birthday parties ? Oh, please. I know you're all hypocrites. I used to be your friend. And now I am no ones friend. Everyone is sound asleep or in the comfort of their homes just chilling at two AM while I'm crying dry tears of pain I will not be able to stand much longer. Can anybody find me... somebody to love...